I Know That I Can't
by YamiHaruko
Summary: A lonely snowfall can pull the saddest emotions from anyone. "Hisoka, I want to share this with you. I know that I can't." Oneshot. Please review, but no flames.


Author's Notes: Inspired by snowfall, my own life, and the songs "I Can't Make You Love Me" by Bonnie Raitt and "Hallelujah" by Rufus Wanwright. Tsuzuki hurts Hisoka and they break up. Tsuzuki is reflecting on the situation and his feelings. Tsuzuki's pov, but I think it's a little OOC. Just go with it. No flames, please. I don't need to be told if you don't like it. I was considering never posting it to begin with.

Disclaimer: I do not own YnM, obviously.

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I want to share this with you.

I know that I can't.

I tilt my head back and slowly raise my palms to the sky where millions of snowflakes—wait; no… it's not snow. It's more like silver glitter, sparkling and shimmering and magical. I watch them glint and shine in the light of the moon before clouds cover it back up. It's beautiful tonight.

I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and preserve this moment - this feeling.

Why do I do this to myself? _Because you deserve it._

Yes… I do. I hate loneliness, and yet, I welcome it with open arms. I'm not worthy of anything more fortunate. Besides, there is a strange sort of comfort in loneliness. If I'm alone… I can't hurt anyone and that idea satisfies me. If I can keep myself at a distance, no matter how much it hurts, I will not burden those I love. I will not hurt them.

I will not hurt him. _You already have._

…I know. I've already done so much to hurt you, and I can't understand why you don't hate me. Why aren't you angry? You should be. I wish that you were. But you're far too good of a person for that, aren't you, Hisoka? I deserve your hate, and even though you said you've forgiven me, I still can't seem to apologize enough. Hurting you has been the greatest sin I have ever committed, and I doubt I will ever be able to forgive myself for my actions. I don't know how to forgive myself. I don't think I'm capable.

It's just a different situation between us. You've forgiven a friend, an ex-lover, a mistake. I, on the other hand, am trying to forgive myself for hurting the only person I have devoted my entire existence to, the only person most important to me in this world, the only person I would do absolutely anything for. _The __only __person you love undyingly without any hesitation._

And I'm so selfish, I make myself sick. Even while I cried an apology out to you that night for how I betrayed you, the only thing I could think of was kissing your shy, unsure lips that I love so much--that I miss so much. I wanted to kiss you one last time, but I couldn't ask that of you, not after what I've done. It's not fair because I'm just a friend to you after all, and I refuse to burden you any more than I already have.

I can feel the wind pulling at my clothes and my hair, as if pleading for me to stop thinking. I know I should, but I can't. _You need to. _I can't. When I'm like this, barely holding back tears because of someone I lost, someone I let go, all because of my own foolishness, I can't stop thinking, especially when that person is you, Hisoka. It's an impossibility.

But late at night, when my mind is overwhelmed with memories of what we had, I can't stop myself from missing you. I try not to think about us no longer together too intently; the thought breaks me into tears every time, and I deeply apologize you had to see that. I'm usually so careful with my emotions, hiding everything behind my smile, but the moment we were alone, I could no longer control myself. _You let him see you breakdown. _God, what must you be thinking after that? _You let him see __your__ hurt. _It wasn't on purpose. I tried to hold it in- _You made him cry. _I didn't mean to! I never wanted him to worry!

…I never meant for it to happen like that. I miss your fingers over my skin, Hisoka, like fire boiling my blood, and your velvet-soft hands and small gestures of affection. I miss your lovely smell that made me dizzy and your neck that was _mine._ The quiet sounds and the way you glared at me when I caught you off guard. Our late night talks are something I cherish and will never forget. I miss the idea, the possibility. I miss trying. I miss everything. I just _miss you. _The thought of you no longer mine…it's like someone stabbing me through the chest, clawing and twisting at my heart, what's left of it, trying to wrench it from my body as painfully as possible. _You don't deserve to miss someone you betrayed._ Shut up, you're not helping.

Sigh. I finally notice I can no longer feel my fingers and toes, the numbness of the cold taking over. My face feels frozen and I have to reach up and brush the sparkling snow from my hair. Part of me wants to simply lay down and die here, were it possible. Though, I don't deserve such a beautiful death. _Perhaps something more agonizing. _I just feel so incredibly tired.

Hisoka, I am happy though. You finally figured out your feelings and that was the only thing that mattered. Your happiness is above everything else. I have never been worthy of someone like you anyway. An angel and a monster couldn't possibly work out properly. You're so young, so pure, so innocent. I'm tainted by years of sins and regrets and a life I partly wish I could escape from. And there I was, forcing such a burden on to you. …Yet, you still tried, and that means more than the world to me. The time we had together will shape the rest of my life. It's incredibly precious to me. You're the best person I know and will ever have the hope of knowing. I will be your friend, my partner. _You promised to not be anything more__ than that. _I promise not to hurt you again.

Hisoka, _I'm sorry. _

As I walk away, I sink into the shimmering snow with each step as it numbs my entire body. The drifting flakes are so peacefully sad around me. It's calming though, even as hot tears burn against my frozen face. _You won't hurt him again._ I know. The pain is for you and that is settling. It's all that matters. No one can ever take away the effect and power you will always have over me. The pieces of my heart are yours forever, 'Soka. I do not want them returned.

I want to share this with you.

I know that I can't.


End file.
